The Art of The Question FRAMEWORK + Session Notes
This is a recap + notes of the masterclass, The Art of The Question. To watch the replay of the 2023 masterclass, go here.
A note from Marie: We are not here to become more clever or witty or performative or impressive. We are not here to overpower or to gain the upper hand. We are here to practice leading (ourselves and others) in integrity.
Asking better questions, asking high quality questions, is fluid, and it asks of you to lean into your self-knowing and sharpen your inner awareness.
Remember, the quality of our questions directly impacts the quality of our results.
To ask is synonymous with vulnerability, self-worth, curiosity, desire, interest, and openness or non-attachment. To ask really good questions is actually a spiritual mastery of sorts. It is to become fluid with the environment or wholly present and to recognize ourselves (as well as everyone else) as an essential piece to that environment. To ask good questions is a radical practice.
An affirmation to say out loud, or write down: I am an essential piece of this environment. I am worthy of what I need and desire. It is safe and OK for me to ask for what I want and need. If someone else is not able to hold this or meet my needs, it says nothing about me (or them) or my character or what I deserve.
*write this somewhere you can read it regularly, and especially just prior to practicing the art of the question, in the wild (AKA in your daily life).
Framework:
Step 1: Clarity. We get clear on the underlying need for the actual want/desire/question.
We do this by asking ourselves what do I most want related to our scenario? And we follow it up with the five why’s test. (this is crucial because in getting this level of clarity, we can use it to ask a seriously compelling question). Note: five is a great place to begin, but the juice really comes when you ask 7-10 whys.
Example 1a: I want my partner to take the trash out.
Why? Because I’ve done everything else, and it’s full.
Why? Because they’re always working and never paying attention to how full the trash can gets and it drives me crazy.
Why? Because I do so much around the house and it goes unnoticed and if they cared, they would just take the fucking trash out.
Why? Because that would be an acknowledgement and validation of the work that I do, and it would be supporting me and our family.
Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
Why? Because you want them to thrive as much as you do.
Ah. So this isn’t just about the trash. And what we may be seeking in this scenario is an act of service or display of love, validation, affection, acknowledgement. What we are desiring is for our partner to want us to thrive and probably just hearing them say that out-loud, could clear a lot of built up resentment and frustration.
So now, the conversation can go deeper than just “honey can you take the trash out right now?” And we can get what we are actually looking for instead of spinning in circles about what seems to be, but isn’t the root of the problem.
Example 1b: I want a promotion at work.
Why? Because I deserve one.
Why? Because I have been working here for 5 years and have not been promoted.
Why? Because I’ve been dedicating my time learning about all of the different organization functions, to try to figure out where I am most interested, instead of being like Stephanie who has been focused on advancing her career in this function.
Why? Because I like this work just fine, but it isn’t fully it for me and I like this company enough that I don’t want to leave, and actually I think that I would be better suited in marketing instead of product.
Why? Because I really enjoy communicating the value of our features and interacting with the marketing teams, and I’m pretty good at it.
So what does this have to do with your promotion? Well, the marketing team only hires people who are senior level and beyond and so I really need to get promoted before they would consider bringing me on.
AHHH. Now we can have a much more interesting conversation with our manager, and potential the marketing team manager as well.
Now, the promo conversation (as in the partner conversation) can go in so many different ways. Sometimes we want a promo because we want to know that we are valued. Sometimes we want a promo because we want recognition, or more money, or more responsibility. So, the whys are really important, because the clearer we are about what we truly desire, the clearer we can communicate that, and the more prepared we will be to say no to anything that isn’t IT.
Small scale whys & a story from Marie: We can do this at a small level too. Like, I studied Philosophy and then I worked in Tech and these are two fields where people really like to flex their intellect and this is how you gain respect. So there were a lot of performative questions that would be asked, as opposed to genuine questions. And I think that clarity can really help us here too – like if we just pause and ask ourselves “why do I feel compelled to ask this question?” or “why do I feel like I need to add 3 paragraphs of context before I ask my question?” sometimes we can find that what we are seeking is validation, or approval, or recognition and we can instead just ask for those things too.
A really good example would be going to a friend and asking for their advice on a new idea that you have, and then being disappointed when they are honest about what they think because what you actually wanted, was for them to give you permission or for them to encourage you or tell you why you were the right person to bring the idea to life. So this is an important check to do with ourselves. And the solve for this, by the way, is that when we go to our friend and tell them about our great idea, we pre-empt it with: “hey what I’m looking for is for you to tell me all the reasons that this idea could work out for me. I’m not actually looking for you to tell me why it might not, yet. What I’m really needing is validation and approval and support. Can you give that to me?”
STEP 2: Address anything that might be stopping you from asking in the first place.
So like, once you realize that it’s deeper than the actual trash, or that it’s more than a promo, you might feel a familiar feeling in your stomach – fear, anxiety, worry.
And this is because when we get to the heart of the matter and we know what we are actually seeking, we feel vulnerable sharing that. It’s suddenly a little squishy, a little personal, a little too exposed. And vulnerability btw is emotional exposure with risk and uncertainty. We know we are getting into the good stuff, when we get this feeling. AND, we have to get through it into order to get to the thing that we are seeking.
So, it’s time to get curious again. What thoughts are surfacing with the fear? Are you worried that maybe your partner will reject you? Do you think that your boss will think you are ungrateful for wanting to shift teams, or that you don’t like them? Does it feel UNSAFE for you to ask for what you want and need (or is it just scary?). Like, if you are a victim of domestic abuse, it’s probably ACTUALLY not safe to ask for what you truly want or need. But if it’s just been a really long time since you and your partner connected in a deeper form of conversation, then it’s normal for it to feel scary.
This is where we uncover the real and material blocks that we can address and mitigate in order for us to ask what we want to ask AND this is also where we find our limiting beliefs. Those sneaky things that exist in our subconscious that are not actually TRUE but that definitely inhibit us in our lives. And this is where we address them.
*Exercise for limiting beliefs can be found in the next lesson. ♥️
The point is that we want to name and clear anything that is in our way of acting in our best interest, AKA asking for what it is that we want.
HOMEWORK: Reflect on what keeps you from asking for what you want and need? What are the thoughts that arise in your mind and body? What are the fears? What are some specific examples where you knew what you wanted, but didn't ask for it.
STEP 3: We practice boldly asking. This is the step where we actually ask for what we want. And, this is not the end of the list.
A good question is a genuine question. It doesn’t have to be the best worded, but it does have to be honest, and clear (AKA direct). Good questions don’t dance around the heart of the matter, they go right to the heart of the matter. The clearer and more direct our question, the EASIER we make it for someone to answer. A good question is SPECIFIC.
STEP 4: Follow through or follow up. This is a practice in boundaries and honoring ourselves. We practice politely & gratefully declining the things that are offered in lieu of our desire, that don’t cut it for us, and/or we offer feedback for what we receive.
This is the part where we continue the conversation, we deepen in the conversation, we explore together. We don’t assume. We don’t make up a story about how no one ever does what we ask. We don’t do the work for our employee and not tell them. Because none of those things are in service to us.
FRAMEWORK RECAP:
Be clear about what it is that we actually want. (and I would also say, what it is that we are willing to do - if anything).
Address anything that may be stopping us from asking for that thing directly.
We practice BOLDLY asking - AKA, we ask for what we want.
We follow through or follow up until we get to the heart of the matter.
Remember: To ask is to be vulnerable. It is to recognize our worthiness. It is to let go of the story. It is to be open and curious. It is ask again and again and again. It is to be present. It is not manipulation. It is not strategic. It is fluid.
The best questions are organic, and rooted in our deepest desires. They arise when we are able to name what it is that we are really seeking, and be humble enough, be vulnerable enough to share these desires with others.
Note: a frequent question that came up in the live masterclass was "what if I don't know what I want?" For this, listen to the replay but pay specific attention to the last 15-20 minutes of the video.
NEXT: Identify & Clear Limiting Beliefs to ask better questions, here.
