🎙 58. How to be you when you aren’t sure who that is

the spiritual 9-5 podcast transcript

episode 58. how to be you when you aren’t sure who that is

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Episode Published on January 9, 2024

If you ever feel like burning it all down and starting again, this is for you.

If you ever find yourself getting caught up in planning, or sourcing security by planning, this episode is for you.

If you find that you are in the inbetween of where you are going or who you are becoming, this episode is for you.

If you occasionally forget what you are here to do or why your work and life is important, this episode is for you.

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Welcome to the Spiritual 9-5 podcast where the vibe is to be kind and to stay in your work.

This podcast is here to support you in your day to day, to help you see and know yourself a little bit deeper, and to inspire you to show up in what you are here to do whether that be your 9-5 or entrepreneurship or art or philanthropy or watching netflix on your couch or a combination of all of those.

I’m your host, Marie Groover. I’m the founder of two businesses that are here to bring the soul back into the office. And I am so excited to bring you this episode, today.

If you haven’t, please leave the show a 5 star rating. And if this episode resonates, considering saving it and sharing it with someone you think it would resonate with too.

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I wrote something a little over a month ago and I came across it again the other day. I want to read you what I wrote and then expand on it. Here is what I wrote:

I woke up at 3:50am to the sound of the waves breaking outside my window and I knew I was home again. I spent the last two weeks in the Maldives. Most of my time was spent on a yacht, sailing between atolls and surf breaks, eating amazing food and surfing my arms off.

I’m an introvert, yet I spent two weeks with more than 14 strangers. And my favorite part about the trip was the 14 strangers.

And now I am home again. Alone.

At just before 4am, I took my dog outside.

I made coffee.

I stared at a blank screen on my computer.

I checked my email, paid some bills, responded to a few messages.

I felt the in-between of forgetting who I am and what I am here to do and remembering why this work is so important.

I've been marinating in a new version of me for a while now – not quite sure who it is that I am becoming, knowing that a part of me has been dying so that another part of me can be reborn.

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I remember writing this, I think it became a newsletter by the way. But I remember writing this and really feeling the pain and the discomfort of the inbetween. I had just come off a life-changing trip experience, where I was surrounded by visionaries for an entire week, where I was fully rooted in myself for an entire week, where I was totally present for an entire week, where I saw clearly where I was heading and who I wanted to be AND the gap between where I was during the trip and where it was that I was going.

And it was both inspiring and terrifying. I got home and felt, “now what”. I wondered “how do I connect the dots between where I am today and where I know I want to be?”

Sometimes when we travel, it really puts our lives in perspective. And it can feel sticky coming back, because you start to see little things that aren’t serving you anymore. And personally, 2023 in general was a really big year of a lot of unknowns and uncertainties and really feeling the inbetween of current state and future state.

I don't think we talk about this enough – the transitioning of ourselves, the constant change and evolution of who we are and how we see the world and what it means about our work + how we show up.

It can be debilitating to forget, to be in the in-between, to feel your growth and change, to experience the life-death-life cycles within you in real time.

But when you wake up to yourself, you find that you become more and more aware of the consistency of change and growth and transformation and evolution in real time and you learn how to be with it.

And at first it’s difficult because – Who you are influences everything that you create. So when you feel unclear about yourself, when you feel unclear about who you are becoming or where you are going, it can feel hard to show up. And by hard, I mean effortful.

It can feel easier to wait, until you know, until you're clear, until you are sure. Until there is a sign or something outside of you gives you a nod or an answer.

Yet, we can never be sure. Because the moment we are sure, we have already changed.

And, nothing outside of us can tell us what we already know in the way that we already know it. To wait for external permission is to die a slow and painful death. It is to be perpetually disappointed. Because by the time the permission arrives, we have already done the thing and we are moving on to something new.

Certainty is an afterthought – it is hindsight. And you know the saying, hindsight is 20/20.

When we are looking to be sure, when we are looking for sureness or certainty – what we often truly are seeking and sourcing is security. But there is actually no such thing.

And so, what we tend to do (if we don’t pay attention) is create for ourselves a false sense of it.

Which looks maybe different for everyone. But two examples, if you are like me, look like this:

The urge to burn it all down and start again, not to refine or iterate, but to fully re-birth. Because if we shut it down before it fails or someone else shuts it down, then we have reclaimed a sense of security, of knowing, of control. If we claim to have moved on, and start working on something new or totally revamped, we no longer have to be accountable for refining the old, for redefining our relationship with what is, for dancing with the uncertainty of being with something that seemingly stayed the same while we have grown and changed, for being in the inbetween of meaning – because the story never makes sense when you are in it. And when things don’t make sense, it’s uncomfortable. So if you feel the urge to burn it all down in moments of uncertainty, the homework that I offer you to is to be with it – to be with the urge, to be with the uncertainty and to wait to move, until you are moving from a place of groundedness. Groundedness is not the same thing as movement generated from discomfort. When we make big bold moves because we are uncomfortable, or in response to our discomfort, we can miss the mark. If you feel the urge to burn it down, I’m not saying don’t, I’m inviting you to wait.

Another way that we create a false sense of security is planning. Now, I love a good planning session. And planning definitely has its rightful place in business development, execution, change management, entrepreneurship, life, everything. AND, making a plan is 1000x easier than following one and it’s like instant gratification and dosing of security.

But the real security comes from following the plan – it comes in the execution. Which feels a lot less secure. So, if you’re on your like 15th plan or iteration of a plan but have yet to take action and you are also feeling some big feelings, like being in the inbetween of who you are or where you are going – my homework, my invitation is to go back to your original plan, to go back to your original why – even if it doesn’t feel like it suits you or makes sense in this very moment, go back to it.

Be with it. And take one tiny action on behalf of it.

For example, if your original plan was to do XYZ to get a promotion, but now you are actually looking at and interested in a completely different role or even industry and maybe you are even interviewing somewhere else and so now you’re planning how you are going to land this other thing and what you are going to do with the extra money and what your new daily routine is going to look like –

Go back to your original plan. Stay the course. Do not abandon the ship that got you here.

Now this doesn’t mean not to prepare for the interviews that are engaged in. This does not mean to forget the potential of the new opportunities in front of you.

It just means to stay present with what is in front of you. And until you’ve accepted a new job offer, what is in front of you is your current role.

What we tend to do when we are in the in-between, when we are marinating in a new version of ourselves, is to disassociate from the present, because we think that where we will find this new version of ourselves is in the future.

But actually, you can only exist in the present. And you can only tap into the full potential of the future, by being engaged and by being embodied in the now. Even if the now doesn’t make sense.

The story never makes sense while you are in it. How can you trust yourself to stay in it – not make sense of it, not control it, not disassociate from it, but to really be with it.

When we lose our ability to stay with what is, to stay with who we are when we aren’t quite sure yet who that is, to stay in the work when we are no longer sure of the work – we end up bouncing around like a little chaotic ping pong, chasing the shiny objects, starting a bunch of new things, getting caught up in hype and energy and false security over and over and over again, without ever actually completing something – without ever actually fully making sense of it and allowing a story to come to completion.

I see this all the time in my client inquiries and through relationships that I’ve had the honor to hold over the last 3 years of my business. I see people who bounce back and forth between what they want and what they think they should be doing, without ever fully committing to either.

The angst that arises when you feel like you aren’t making any real forward progress in either a dream you’ve held for much of your life, or even the conventional life that you are teeter-tottering on – it’s painful. And, I’ve been there.

And if you are there – give yourself grace, and get out of the inbetween. Or rather, BE in the inbetween. Stop looking for clarity, and simply come back to the present moment. Come back to your body. And if you have to do something, revert to your old plan. Don’t start again. Don’t change course. Be.

You can trust yourself to lead yourself through the unknown. And that means you have to get comfortable being with yourself, wherever you are now. Be where you are, without knowing at all. Start there. Start here! Otherwise, you risk getting caught in the middle for far longer than you probably want to sign up for.

If you are marinating in a new version of you, keep showing up. Allow more and more of this newness to surface. Work where you are with what you have. And stop expecting everything to fall into place or make perfect sense overnight.

Everything making perfect sense is not a confirmation that you are on the right track. The story never makes sense while you are in it. And right now you are in the story.

Right now is enough. Whoever you are in this very moment, is enough.

You’ll find yourself when you stop looking.

&& if you would like support in staying with who you are, where you are, and in your work – reach out.

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Thank you so much for listening to the spiritual 9-5 podcast. I’m your host, Marie Groover and I am beyond honored that you are here. Please follow, save and rate the show. And if you can, share your favorite episode with a friend. It makes the world of a difference.

Connect with me on LinkedIn, I would love to hear from you what you think about the show or my work – so don’t be shy. And, I’m always here to connect and support you or your business through coaching, team building and leadership development.

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